Shame in Midlife

Let’s get real about something we often bump into in midlife: shame. It’s one of those things we start unpacking, and it can really change the game when we do. Because shame is basically all those parts of ourselves we feel like we have to hide. Like little boxes we tuck away because we think the world won’t accept them.

And there are two kinds of shame we’re often dealing with. There’s the explicit shame like someone saying, “What’s wrong with you?” or pointing out what you should or shouldn’t do. And then there’s the implicit shame. This is the sneakier kind that comes from little looks, subtle social messages, or the way certain parts of us were kind of ignored.

We pick up shame from family, from school, from society telling us what’s “more important” and what’s just “extra.” For example, we growing up hearing that math is important, but art is just play. Or that certain ways of dressing are fine and others are asking for judgment.

And shame shows up in the most everyday ways. Like when your husband is a little distant one evening and suddenly your brain goes, “Did I do something wrong? Am I not doing enough around the house?” or “Do I look sloppy and unatractive?” We all have our unique shame spirals but they don’t come from reality. They come from old shame stories that make everything feel like your fault.

Or maybe you walk into a room full of confident people and feel yourself shrink, convinced you’re “too much” or “not enough” before you’ve even spoken. That’s shame too. Quiet, automatic, and learned.

One place to start is to simply notice when you’re hiding a piece of yourself because you’re worried about judgment. Just noticing that impulse is a huge first step.

And notice what brings up judgement in you? Maybe a scandlously dressed woman or the way someone parents that makes you cringe or roll your eyes. Give some thought to where that judgement comes from and consider how you might be holding yourself back in these areas.

And from here, we get to rewrite the story. It’s about realizing that when we let go of that old shame, we get to choose who we get to become in midlife. We get to let go of our limitations (that were never ours), trust our own preferences, let our creativity wake up, and feel lighter and more honestly ourselves in the process.

You’re not supposed to do it all alone. Shame lives in the shadows. Sharing these parts of us (that we all have!!) and welcoming our sticky middle is incredibly healing. And if you’d like support, we can explore this together inside a Held Coaching session.

Book a free strategy call here.